


untitled thoughts

by softbuni



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Awkwardness, Break Up, Childhood Trauma, Crying, Diary/Journal, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, Falling In Love, Feelings, For Me, Happy, Heartbreak, Insecurity, Love, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Pain, Personal Growth, Real Life, Sad, Scratching, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma, Weight Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29552397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softbuni/pseuds/softbuni
Summary: This my safe-space. Be warned, read the tags and understand that my personal thoughts or experiences could be extremely triggering for some. I am posting this publicly with the idea that I will come back in a few years or so to see personal growth and also so that if anyone comes across this, reads it, maybe it will help them feel less alone with their own struggles and thoughts.I also feel uncomfortable talking to people about how I really feel, I know its not good to bottle things up so I want to try and see if an outlet in writing will make me feel better.





	untitled thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> this chapter will contain mentions of a toxic relationship and toxic ways of thinking. Please do not read if this may trigger you.

Mistakes, regrets, anger. Worry. Paranoia. 

I am still unsure about everything that happened. Though at the same time I support my decisions. Why do I not miss you? Why is it that I do not care half as much as I thought I would or should? I get angry at myself for staying with you. Our last weeks together. It was not love and I knew it. I fucking knew. Why did I carry on? I was mad at you for talking about things I used to be so passionate to converse about with you. At the end I think I grew to despise parts of you. I feel ashamed and there's moments I feel extremely selfish. While in this mindset I forget everything you did, you become innocent and I start to question everything. 'I was wrong, all of my choices, I hurt another person so horribly, if I never dated them, if I. If I'. I have to stop myself. It is hard but I have to remember all the shit that was wrong with our relationship. You never saw the cracks that I did. But we were toxic. I lie to myself and say, we were equally toxic. It is not a competition I know. But you. You did things that were extremely horrible. Most times, maybe even every time you did these things, or acknowledged them yourself, I brushed it off completely. I was scared, I do not like arguing, I do not want to say anything that could make you feel insecure or make you self harm. That is so fucking wrong. It makes me sick with anxiousness to remember, we just can not be together, not when we can not communicate. Something like that can NOT be fixed unless we both are mentally stable and open to CHANGE. Maybe you never saw that, never realized that you never truly knew how I felt. You never saw that it was always 'your way', that 'your way' was hurting me. 

It is hard now, not to hold things against you. I start to blame you for many things. Hate starts to build even more, even thinking of our good moments makes me mad at you. I think of the things you never did, the things I persuaded myself I was not upset over, but in reality it hurt. Yet I cant help but feel that at the end you screwed shit up. You say we can not be friends but it was YOU who made it that way. I was ready to try and develop a friendship. There was no need to fucking explode on me in such a nasty way. Insulting me over and over. I get so fucking annoyed. You couldn't be mature about the situation at all. Writing paragraphs on paragraphs guilting me and then begging, apologising. I say no, I can not fucking go back on what I have said. You just become more aggressive to what I respond, yes we are children so we can be childish but you acted so cruelly. I can not deny that this is how I have been feeling towards your last messages, it feels good to write about it. 

I should calm down. I always balance my thoughts when it gets like this. I try to. It is important to evaluate you as a person. With your own thoughts and feelings. Reasons why you said, reacted the way you did. Honestly I do understand, I am not sure if I have forgiven you. I do not think so, not yet. The situation ended in the way I feared the most. But I knew you so well, so of course I knew it would end like that. So in a sense I was prepared. There are things, many things I would have changed about what happened. It is what it is. I have learnt to accept that. To this moment I still stand by my choice. I may feel bad about it, but I know it was the right thing to do. 

I'm scared, terrified to see you in person, I know one day it will happen, I stress enough just seeing you pop up on social media. I need to start preparing, to face that, you may mock, laugh, bitch about me if you saw me. I need to be prepared for a possible argument to occur. It shouldn't be this way but I know who you are and if by the next time I see you, you haven't grown I will suspect you to engage somehow with me. That in a whole makes me feel sick. I want to move away, not have to deal with anything about you, related to you. I don't want to have to see your friends scowl at me, you in disgust to see me, though I know it is not right for me to run away from my problems. So I wont. I promise that to myself. I did what I did, and it was the right thing to do. Okay, I trust my judgement.

okay. I do not feel like writing anymore, so ill check in whenever next? hm, if anyone reads this have a good day/night!


End file.
